April Goals

They say that if you write down your goals you are more likely to achieve them.

Well, this didn’t help with last month’s goals.  And not for lack of dedication or not working hard enough.

1)  I didn’t lose 5 pounds last month.  Therefor, it is not allowed to be my goal in any way shape of form this month.  I must learn to move on and be happy with my hard work and what I DID achieve–losing 3% body fat.

2)  I am still not able to do pull-ups in the majority of workouts that require them at CrossFit.  However, I am able to do them.  It’s just that I can only do like 3 or 4 in a row.  But, I need to step back and see what an achievement that is over the course of the past few months.

Despite my failure to achieve these goals, I am still sticking with my monthly goal setting.  I take last month’s setbacks as a sign that perhaps my goal-setting needs a focus other than health and fitness.  So, my April goal is to have new representation (agent or manager or both) by the end of the month.

Oh, and I also have a goal for this upcoming week.  I even scheduled an extra Gestalt session to make sure I stick to it.  Last week’s session brought up some stuff that hasn’t gotten off my mind since–we talked about sex.  And it’s interesting how comfortable I am with talking about sex openly with my friends and stuff, but really it’s all a mask.  I mask my comfortability with sex.  It’s so not true.  And anyone who has ever slept with me could attest to that.  But, I act like I’m all ok with it because logically I think I’m supposed to be.  I mean, there has been no real traumatic sexual encounter that I’ve experience.  (My Gestalt therapist would beg to differ on this, but that’s for another post.)  Both of my parents have always been very open with me about sex AND love and for that I am very grateful.  But, both of those things are  THE MOST neuroses-ridden areas of my life.

So, I have a goal for this week that involves getting some honest dialogue and feedback on my ability to connect during sex…because I think I’m not being 100% honest with or fair to myself about my own intimacy abilities.  In other words, I have more of a long-term goal here.  But, my goal for this week and for the month of April is to take steps at removing whatever block this is that I discovered last week…and it looks as though most of those steps are going to be into uncomfortable, uncharted, and perhaps dark places for me.  But, I also think they are only seemingly dark (as I am one with a bit of a tendency that way) and in actuality quite brilliantly luminescent.

Interesting how I can write this on my online journaly-blog thingy that probably anyone could read and that some people I know have and yet I cannot talk about most of this stuff with those people whom I probably should…those with whom I have most difficulty being vulnerably intimate.

I shall see…


About heathencomehome

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