I’m more Romeo than Juliet

Three nights ago I had a very vivid dream about the man I love.

Two nights ago I had a vivid dream about the man I’ve been sort of seeing/sleeping with for the past 5 months.

Last night I had a dream about my first love/only ever boyfriend.

Can these stop now, please.  Because all of these dreams feel oh-so good while in them, but when I awake I’m really just pissed off.

All these dreams do is add to the fantasy.  Which is something I do a lot of, I guess.  Well, according to my gestalt therapist’s observations anyway.  I create fantasies.  I live in them.  And then I destroy/punish myself for the fact that my reality does not live up to them.  I’ve discovered I do this with pretty much everything.  Plus side of all this–I have a VERY vivid imagination.

But, the downside is oh-so painful.  Daily painful.  I feel like Romeo at the very beginning of Romeo and Juliet when he is pining for Rosaline and all his friends are like, “Dude, she’s not that great.”  But he is still oh-so heartbroken.

The difference is that Romeo falls easily in love…with someone new…that night.  That helps in getting over the fantasy.

Well, not me.  I pine for Rosaline for YEARS.  And not just literally speaking.  Figuratively, as well.  I just seem to get  stuck in my fantasies like the kid in The Neverending Story.  (I like that movie, and now have a hankerin’ to watch it…)

It really really troubles me when I keep having these dreams that are so out of touch with my own experiences in life.  Am I that disconnected?!

I don’t fault my imagination or my creativity or even my ability to fantasize.  I love it.  It gets me through sometimes.  It was such a blessed companion as a child.  It makes some days tolerable.  But it also beats me up sometimes.

I wish some of my fantasies would just go away–like, I’d just forget about them.

Sometimes I think they have.  And then they come back–sometimes the same; often with a new spin.  Like my dream last night.  Dude, I’m over you.  Have been for awhile (Thank GOD!)  So why the fuck you gotta come back in my subconscious so vividly?

And dude from 2 nights ago:  Seriously, that was you but was also so NOT you in my dream.  It was my obvious fantasy of you that I’ve created to justify the fact that I allow myself to waste my beautiful body, mind, and soul on someone who is also very amazing but just can’t quite appreciate all those levels of me the same way I appreciate them in you and should in myself.

And, ok, the dream 3 nights ago that kept me awake for 3 hours afterward unable to sleep…seriously?!  I feel like we’re starting all over again with this one from a completely different place.  Like, does anything ever fade?!  Why does it have to come back so strong?  Why do I let the fantasies amplify feelings so high that I end up falling so far onto the rock hard ground of reality.  Daily.

And, ok, now to the question that should precede ALL of this–why the fuck do I CARE?!  And care so much?  And why am I giving all of this and all of these individuals so much attention?  WHy can’t I stop and give that energy elsewhere?  I really REALLY wish I could.  There are so many other things I want to accomplish.  WHy am I wasting my creative mind-space on fantasies of men and love?!  I want that space of other things!  I want that space for writing…for acting,..for characters.  I want that energy for CrossFit and yoga. I want that those feelings for those that can not only feel them and reciprocate them…but can feel them back and can mirror them in intensity and direction.

*I like being able to throw in a little physics when I talk about love

**Note on the title:  I heard today that the little girl who starred in True Grit is in talks to play Juliet in an upcoming film remake/version of Romeo and Juliet.

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About heathencomehome

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