I just got myself high on myself.
I spent the past three hours horizontal on my couch. Awake. Not depressed either. Not wallowing or moping around in my own shit. Just up and down and allowing myself to go those places. I went into my dreams. I took myself out of them. I took myself out of the room. I felt like the room was the only place on earth. Because it is. Right now. It is. It is the only place on earth because it is where I am. WHere I am right now. Fully present.
Ok, I’ve also been watching TV. But not watching it for entertainment or for news. I’ve been watching it almost like an alien. Because that is really truly how I feel sometimes about humanity. I feel like an alien. LIke I am on a foreign planet and sometimes it is all some sort of sick joke that no one is telling me the rules.
But, if I am an alien here, I’ve decided to at least have fun. And MY kind of fun. Fun with MYSELF. And I’ve had a BLAST for the past 3 hours by myself.
Well, not completely by myself. THe characters & actors on the TV. Also, the 2 friends I texted.
I texted one “I feel like theat tree falling in the woods that no one hears…”
I feel that is so totally me. THat metaphor is my life.
And I decided tonight that I do make a sound. Even though no one is around to hear it. No one knows that sound but me. And it is the most beautiful sound in the world.
I didn’t eat anything. I didn’t want to. I didn’t drink even though I was thirsty. For a few hours. I put off going to the bathroom. I just kind of shut off my physical needs and spent sometime in my mind space…which then wandered off at some point into my soul-space…
I cried. I cried for a good 15 or 20 minutes before I even knew I was crying. ANd then I watched myself cry. It was a real genuine compassion. It was an unattached cry. It was a cry from my soul. JUst to feel. Just to let itself do what it naturally does. Nothing forced. Nothing stopped. Nothing judged. The tears ran down and down. My face was as relaxed as can be. I was not sobbing. THere was no gasping for air. I felt a connection to myself. I’d like to say that I felt a connection to something beyond that, but I can’t say that. I can’t say that because I can’t experience anything beyond me. I cannot speculate or assume to feel anyone or anything else.
I’d love for the chance to, though. But does anyone exist beyond me? Am I just making them up? Projecting them?
I didn’t fantasize tonight. I didn’t reminisce. I didn’t look to a fantastical future. I lived. WIth myself. What a night.
I have a romance with myself now. One I don’t think anyone else can “get.”
I have always had a need to be “got.” To be understood. I don’t get why no one wants to. WHy no one tries. WHy no one ventures within me.
I did tonight. I thought it was fun.