Revelations in the Shower

When you cry in the shower it is interesting because you begin to not tell the difference between your tears and the water from the spout…

I am so scared right now.  And so angry.  But, I know the anger comes from fear.

I want so much and have such difficulty expressing it.  I feel so much and have such difficulty expressing it.  I have ideas and thoughts and dreams and feelings and pictures and imaginings and WHOLE WORLDS within me that have never been out or shared or expressed.  They are held captive within me…out of my own fear.

I am so very very protective of them.  THey are my children.  More than that, they are a part of me.  More than THAT, I feel they ARE me!

I want them to come out because they demand so much from me.  It is exhausting keeping their extroversion contained within my introversion.

I am so fearful that my own power contained in them will scare someone.  NOt only that, I am afraid that no one will understand it…or me.  And in not being understood I will not be seen–the real me.  And in not being seen I do not exist and have no value and no purpose.  In not being  understood, I feel unable to connect.  So I walk around seeking connection but not getting it because I am so afraid that the outlet I find will not have enough gounding to contain the amount of power I may have to download.

Sometimes–every now and then–I find someone who seems to be a match.  Seems to be where I can plug in and fully connect and be understood and be seen and be qualified and justified and be ALIVE.

(And a part of me hates that I want all of this because  I feel I should not want something from someone outside of myself because that is asking too much and will lead to co-dependence. So, I fight with myself and do not allow myself to fully say that YESSSSSS!  I do want what I stated above!)

But, I think I burn people out.  I think they get tired of connecting with me.  And often before all of that stuff inside of me has fully been able to download.  So, I fell misunderstood yet again.  And for once, JUST ONCE!, I want someone to be able to handle it–to be able to handle me.  And in saying this I mean connect with me to a degree that they do not get burned out.  A person who has enough grounding not to.  A person who can rest and rejuvenate if needed.  But also a person who can just let me download…and feel understood.  Because I just really REALLY want to be felt!

THat’s all.  I feel so deeply.   Much deeper than most anybody knows.  I feel much deeper than I let on.  And it takes so much of my energy and strength and I do not know how to turn it off.  And I just want someone to share that with.  To freely feel back and forth.

I find people who can handle some of the download and I latch on.  Because I have already given so much that I still feel protective of what I’ve given and also, I just feel incomplete not having given ALL.  I’m an all-or-nothing kind of person.  So, if you have some, I really REALLY want you to have ALL!  I just take awhile to download.  My speed is not optimal.  But, I’m efficient and thorough.

And I want someone to understand all of that.  For once.  And for that once…I mean a lasting once.

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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One Response to Revelations in the Shower

  1. Pingback: in response to myself… | Heathen Come Home

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