I didn’t meet my April goal.
And it’s not really bothering me.
And I LOVE that!
I thought perhaps my goal for May would be to not have any goals. Ridiculous. Besides, that’s not really possible with me. Perhaps that will be something I can make a goal in the future when I’m much more ok with letting go and being spontaneous and much MUCH more present and ok with moving head-long into each and every one of my fears. Only then would it be ok for me.
Oh jeez, look at this! I’m afraid of no goals! Holy moly! Yes, that is somewhere that I am going to head.
So, May perhaps is kind of ‘no goals’. Only ‘kind of’ because I want to actually follow the Body Ecology Diet 100% this month. I’ve been living it 70%ish for like 2 years. But, I have always been scared to fully commit to it for some reason. That’s ludicrous! And since moving into my Primal lifestyle has been so much fun and quite simple, I think it is time to finally get rid of some of the excess mold, yeast, fungus that may be taking up shop in my intestines. I went to the best herbalist ever about 4 weeks ago and she said I have a bit of a mold/candida/fungal growth. (She also said I have a salt intolerance that is rather high, so complete avoidance to excess salt is also happening this month…but that is gonna continue indefinetly.) ANd I have been sooooooo tired lately and that is abnormal. So, bye-bye candida!
So, it’s goal–sort of.
When I was contemplating what my goals for this month would be I was also on about 10 other tabs on youtube and facebook and other blogs. I watched John Durant’s interview on the Colbert Report that one of my CrossFit friends had posted on his facebook page. That got me intrigued enough to check out Mr. Durant’s blog. But, that was really only because I found him very VERY attractive (hot, intelligent, well-spoken–whoa!) At the end of his interview he was saying how he was looking for a woman who likes to eat meat. (He’s a paleo lifestyle enthusiast.) I want to email him that instant and tell him all about me! Haha! I was like, “Oh, pick me! I’m into meat, and crossfit and paleo/primal and smartsy-funny stuff and don’t take myeslf or anything else too seriously and I want a guy like YOU!”
I know where this came from. It came from my best friend who keeps pressuring me to date more or get on a dating site like her. It came from my frustration with the stagnation of whatever you can call what I have with the guy I’m currently seeing. It came from my almost complete resolution to the fact that the man I love will probably not ever (at least ever anytime soon) want to pursue a real deep intimate connected relationship of souls, minds, hearts, and bodies. And it was those 3 things piled on top of my current desire to just cuddle with someone and talk all day and all night in bed about things in my head and my heart and my soul. And then intersperse that talking with silent communication of souls. And then also throw in some experimentation with our abilities to sexually connect.
So, then I thought about how can I turn that fear-tinged desire/desire-tinged fear that is what pushes me forward and what holds me back into a goal. Because this is really REALLY what I feel is stagnating me in my own mediocrity of myself kept from my Self.
I could be wrong. But I want to find that out.
And I want to make that into a goal. Perhaps that’s another one for the future.
And maybe you can’t make goals about love. Just like Aladdin couldn’t make a wish for someone to fall in love with him. Love and true soul connection don’t work that way.
But, that said. I want a man who eats and exercises like a caveman and thinks like a philosopher and muses and creates like a dreamer and an artist…and dances with me at all times….because I’m a dancer. I truly and honestly and whole-heartedly feel that. I’ve felt it my entire life.
I’m seeking my dancing partner. ANd I’m seeking him now. Fully embracing the search and the journey that it involves. Finally opening to it…ready for the horrifyingly scary heart-breaking lessons