Sometimes, when we are talking and discussing, I want to kiss you.
Sometimes, when you say something beautifully fitting, I want to kiss you.
THat is the only response I have. That is my gut feeling/reaction. That is my instinctual impulse.
Right now I want to and I’m not even around you. I can feel it. It is a whole body-soul feeling. It is my ultimate “no words” feeling/response. That universal language which I am too scared to speak but feel at all times. I feel any response but a kiss is inadequate.
And in not acting on my impulse, by suppressing it, I don’t know where that energy goes. I feel it goes somewhere negative–somewhere backt into my bank of self-loathing into the self-destruction account. I’m not saying I should be allowed to just always act on these gut feelings and impulses. But, what I’m saying is that I would love to have a better outlet for them…a way to transmute them. A way to release the energetic response within me because is is something so desperately and vitally burning and yearning to get out! In some form.
It contributes to the power of my demon. THe demon that holds me back while at the same time wants to be set free.
But free to go where and do what? Right now, I guess the demon wants to steal a kiss.
And I can’t control this demon and her impulses…all I know how to do is feed it or starve it. But just feeding or not feeding something doesn’t mean one cares for it. I want to start caring for and nurturing my demon. I do. Because I know it deep down loves me back.
I can’t always act on my desires, but I have yet to find what it is I am to do with them.