A Taste of Courage

So, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately–especially a lot these past couple days.  Dunno exactly why.  I think it is just a combination of several things, but probably the biggest catalyst is my gestalt therapy sessions.  I mean, any type of work on the self like that is gonna bring up some old baggage for reassessment in order to finally rid oneself of the neurosis and/or addiction.

I had a revelation last week in therapy.  It was one of those revelations that I’ve always ALWAYS known (especially since high school and adolescence) but never addressed because I didn’t know the gravity of it.  Just one of those things you can sense in your being of which you do not know the origin.  One of those self-forming beliefs that is so old that it was probably cemented pre-memory…and I’m thinking this one is pre-language for me, so that makes it a bit more difficult–and also a lot more deeply ingrained into the fiber of me.

But, with that coming up from its ancient depths, it brought up all the stuff that was on top of it.  More of the newer neurotic and self-destructive beliefs and behaviors that have formed me as an early adult but are not as ingrained as the real meaty stuff that was addressed.

Those smaller (still important) issues are the ones I deal with in my head on a daily basis.  I think that is because I haven’t yet found ways to suppress them because they haven’t has as many years in formation as the other stuff that I don’t deal with consciously on a daily basis.  That deeper stuff comes up in therapy and is best dealt with there because it is way to heavy for me to attempt to deal with on my own each day in and day out.  I can leave that work to my subconscious because that is where those behaviors formed.

What I always thought was my big issue–my big neurosis was this semi-eating disorder thing.  But that is so surface that I have often been ashamed to say that because it really isn’t anything traumatic or life-threatening.  It is, rather, something that occupies my mind in the form of my saboteur since late adolescence.  That saboteur has always been there.  Her voice just changes at different stages in my life.

And in college, she decided to regulate my eating patterns.  I never threw up.  Although my best friend thinks I did.  And my mom thought I did.  And I think other people thought I did.  I tried to…but I’d always forget about it.  LIke, it wasn’t something that was compulsive.   Rather, it was something that I WANTED to be compulsive.  I actually felt bad for a brief time because I couldn’t be obsessive about it.

So, I left it at that.  But, while wishing I could be compulsive at one thing, I DID become compulsive at another.  I used to think it was my eating, but I very very recently discovered that it was not that at all.  I was really compulsive about my time.

I was thinking the other day how I’d like to lose some weight before visiting my family in a few weeks.  I thought of how much weight I lost in college and how easy it was to lose that weight.  I dropped 25lbs in one summer.  And I got addicted to losing weight.  I like setting goals and watching myself attain them.   With this, I just had to find an area of my body I felt was too fat and watch it go away the more and more controlling that I got.  And the more controlling I got, the better I got at losing weight.  And then kept losing steadily over the next year and then from then on have been slowly gaining it back and then some.  But the gaining it back really had more to do with not being so OCD about my time.  It had nothing to do with my diet.  I eat healthier foods now than I did then.

Actually, I can say EXACTLY what I ate from summer 2005 thru the end of 2006.  And that is only because I can say my ENTIRE day structure of that year and a half of my life.

wake up 4:30/5:00ish AM.

work out for hour/hour and a half

eat a green apple for breakfast and take a multivitamin and fish oil capsule after workout while working at the fitness center and studying/doing assignments.

shower & get ready for morning classes

first lunch around 11:20ish–glass of skim milk and bag of raw snap peas or snow peas

more classes or studying and working on assignments or going to work again for a few more hours (depending on my schedule that semester, which I tried to make as identical as possible)

second lunch around 2:00PM–cup of veggie soup or fat-free cottage cheese w/baby carrots or cucumber

more class

dinner around 6:00PM or steamed spinach and edamame and soy sauce.

watch some TV

go to bed by 9:00PM

do it all again.

If I want to lose weight like I did.  I could totally do it again.  I just would have to follow this regimen.  I realized that yesterday when I was so mad at myself for really not losing any weight since starting eating Primal and doing Crossfit.  I realized my diet then was so extremely limited!!! But more that that, if I ever for even a day got off (weekends were exceptions, because I let myself eat oatmeal and blueberries for breakfast and went for a 2 mile run and had a larger dinner but no lunch and had a separate Sunday schedule because I went to church every Sunday AM at 10:30 and worked…so, yeah, still so very structured even though I “allotted” for free time, I often spent it working on assigments or reading or watching TV), I was sent into a tailspin!  I HAD to follow this schedule.  I hated spontaneous events because I then had to rework in my head all possible outcomes and had to schedule out the entirety of how long said spontaneous act would last and what I do at each moment of that activity.  I just didn’t like it, because it might mean I didn’t eat supper at 6.  It might mean I wouldn’t eat that veggie soup.  ANd then if I didn’t eat that soup, I’d be hungry and liable to eat anything else that was around and i didn’t want to run that risk–that risk of the unknown.

How did I get to the complete opposite of that in such a short amount of time?!  I do not have the answer for that.

But, I am so glad that realizing how obsessive I was makes me not want to lose weight.  I came to that conclusion this weekend.

And with that conclusion, I also realized how I have not fully given up on my obsession with managing my time.  I see it creep in sometimes…a lot, actually.  But, I have spent the past 3 years fighting it off by making a spontaneous decision the moment I feel myself start to control something.  Because I was so so so SO depressed during that time of my life.  The most depressed that I’ve ever been.  I hate that time of my life so much more than any other.  So, when I feel myself start to control my life in any way, get nervous and scared and anxious and rebellious and I do something that the controlling part of me would never let me do.  I can’t stand being controlled–even by myself!

My heart is pounding right now.  I feel like this whole act was an act of rebellion against me.  I have the day off today.  I woke up with that control-freak talking to me.  She wanted to control the structure of today.  I heard her start to control my meals today and then for the rest of the week.  I then went to Erewhon and bought a breakfast (a very VERY healthy one!) that was completely not on her list.  I haven’t showered yet and she wanted me to by now be doing something much more productive.  I may do some of the things on her list.  But I have no idea when!  I love sticking it to her…even if it means I weigh nearly 140lbs vs the 100lbs when I was following her plan.  Because on her plan, I had no friends–not even myself–and a very not fun life that I lied to myself and others about daily.

It was really REALLY scary to confront her just now.  But, I’m moving head-on into my fear.  That is how I’m choosing to live each day.  I tasted courage recently.  And I don’t think I can live without it now.

…but I still want the abs I had then…


About heathencomehome

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