Approaching My Intersection

I gave my 2 weeks’ notice at one (of my 3) jobs this past weekend.  I would like to just leave.  But I remember saying how disrespectful it was that the last girl who quit didn’t give her 2 weeks, and I didn’t want to seem hypocritical.  That’s pretty much the only reason I gave 2 weeks.  I hate the awkwardness of everyone knowing I’ve just quit b/c I hate everyone asking me questions as to why.  I’m just too busy.  One of my other jobs gave me some more shifts and I like it there better.  Plus, there is a possibility of me getting a job at a place I frequent with people who have more of my type of vibe.

But, in quitting yet another job, I’m realizing something.  I already realized about a year ago that I cannot keep a job.  Not because I can’t do the job,  but because I get bored/anxious/unmotivated/unchallenged and eventually that depresses me because I feel trapped and stagnated and under-utilized and under-challenged.  I need challenge and stimulation on a daily basis or a little part of me dies.  When starting a new job, there is a lot of that…and then it fades away.  I joked with some of my friends that I can’t keep a job as long as the NBA season.  ANd it’s pretty much very true.

But, that wasn’t the realization that I had this weekend.  The realization that I had was that I always seem to be the most reliable person at any job I ever have.  No matter what it is and no matter how much I like it or dislike it.  I realized in quitting this job that I didn’t despise but definitely didn’t give a shit about, that they really liked me and that I was the best damn worker at my position that they had.  ANd they knew it and I guess I did too.  THey just never showed it.  I realized this because the manager really seemed like they were not gonna be able to get along quite as well without me.

And I don’t even give them my all.  Because I really don’t care, I only really do what needs to be done.  But, I think I’m discovering that my standards are just higher than everyone else’s.  I recently started going to work at this job and just doing what I wanted and not caring what they said b/c I knew they needed me and I was good and couldn’t really do anything wrong…even if it wasn’t “by the book.”  In doing so, I worked harder…well, harder than others.  Plus, I’m smart.  And I get along with a broad spectrum of people.  SO, since I did my job with no fuss and no drama, I think they began to rely on me and like me.

I looked back at all the many many jobs I’ve had thus far, and realized that same fucking thing has happened with like 90% of them.  LIke, the same exact arc throughout the job.  Same pattern.  Same things.  I also noticed that with most of them, I can just sense when it is time for it to end.  I feel when it has served me and I have served it and that service to one another cannot continue and has run its course and if I continue, it would be to go against some natural order or plan.

I sense this often.  In the past I’ve ignored it b/c I thought I was just not-normal.  But, I’m embracing my subtle sensitivities.  I am noticing that I am a much more intuitive person than I have ever believed about myself.  I want to nurture that intuition because it always serves me.  And, I guess, it always serves others if I allow it to start and stop when it feels necessary.

I don’t know what it means that I am always the most reliable person at every job I have.  But, I know that is some sort of key to my calling…because I feel that one’s calling is the intersection of those things that person is best in the world at (as perceived by self and others) and those things that make that person dance and smile sing and move in passion towards creation on a very deep inner level.

So, I’m approaching that cross-section with a little more information than I had when I began the journey.

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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