I have never half-assed/wishy-washy liked someone like this for so long! I am a black and white person. That is how most of my life has been. I live in extremes. All or nothing. I don’t like gray area–I hate when my life is stuck in the gray area. Despite all of this I do accept uncertainty. I just don’t like indifference…and I DESPISE dispassion.
I don’t have any passion right now. Not for him anyway. “Him” being the man have been having sex with for almost longer than any relationship (or close-to-it relationship) I’ve ever had.
I’m realizing this today because last night he fucked me brilliantly. (I almost typed ‘beautifully’ but then realized that there is not much that is beautiful about us.) The sex was amazing. So amazing. So good. So needed…for me anyway. It was even a bit connected, surprisingly, for both of us, I think…except that at times I was really just with myself away somewhere else–enjoying myself thoroughly, but not in the room…oh, and also at one point I was definitely hot having sex with him b/c for the first time I was having sex with someone and consciously choosing to think of someone else–like, really fantasize…about someone I’ve never even been with and whom I don’t even know that well that I just find really attractive. And I didn’t feel guilty about this and I don’t right now.
Every week I change my mind on this guy. I don’t feel that he likes me much beyond someone to pass the time with when he is bored. And I can’t really say that I blame him, because while I find him fun and compatible and driven and humorous and witty…I just don’t feel a pull. Yes, that’s it a pull. I don’t feel that. But, I do not feel a push–like a push in another direction. I feel like cars stuck at a red light next to one another…and the light just hasn’t turned green yet. Ya know, yeah–that’s it. No one wants to wait at a red light. But here I am. Something is telling me to stop here until the Universe gives me a green light. And I can’t run this red light and bail on the car next to me right now b/c it just doesn’t feel right–even though it’s not my most enthusiastic choice to sit here, I’m making the most of it and enjoying the funny faces and flirting from the car next to me. No harm. No foul.
But sitting at a red light is just so boring. And I feel like somehow I’m not driving. Probably because I’m not. I’m idling. A necessary idle perhaps. And at least an entertaining one…but I constantly have that light in my periphery…always looking for a green light. Because, honestly I am really ready for another adventure.
But, god! We’re not even in the same car! Do you get this?! And I get the feeling that we both like to drive our own cars. So, needless to say, this metaphor is proving to me for the umpteenth time that we are never going to be more than what we are right now…which in all honesty is about a step and a half above fuck buddies. Hmmmm, maybe my preference to drive my own way (in real life and metaphorically) is what has prevented my opening up [the car door] and sharing [a ride] and journeying my life with someone side by side…switching who gets to drive…or even better, riding in the Universe’s limosine and letting it drive for us while we enjoy the journey together…yeah…that would be nice.
*New metaphor imaging my relationship ideal*
…and this all put me really at ease just now…ok, well, kind of…kind of antsy/anxious too…about my own expectations of myself, others and the universe.
I LOVE widdling my life down to cute little metaphors. It’s like my life is a fable (: