I tripped out on shrooms the other night. it was my 3rd time ever doing it. the most powerful of any psychodelic experience I’ve ever had. (not that I’ve had all that many.)
Many things stand out–mainly b/c I’m am currently reading this book on the hemispheres of the brain. I pretty much tried to step outside of myself and observe the workings of my own brain.
But as the experience got really intense, I began to feel really really big. LIke my soul felt big. I felt too big for my body. It hurt to be in it. LIke, there wasn’t enough room for me. I didn’t fit in it–like wearing jeans 5 sizes too small. I felt like I was going to explode out of it. I felt like I was going to rip it.
Not in a self-destructive way. Rather, it was almost like an inevitable knowing. LIke, if things continued as they were, I was going to spill out of my body in a painful way. I could feel my soul trying so very very hard to escape through each orifice of my body. I closed my mouth and felt it leave my eyes or nose. I could feel it move down my body and try to escape the openings at that end. It was really trying to get out.
But, I knew it wouldn’t. Because I heard a voice, like the voice of my higher self say it couldn’t. Like a parent almost saying it needed to stay put b/c this was its home–like it or not. I heard the parent-me. It was very comforting but also in a tough love kind of way.
After that I spent about an hour and a half hugging my body…especially my lower abdomen. like, holding on for dear life. I really do believe, as many Asian cultures do, that there is a spiritual center down deep in the lower abdomen–the tan tien. I was so very connected to a part of me that just doesn’t get a lot of attention, recognition, or love from me.
I spent another 2 hours or so neglecting my body and my rational mind in order to hug my soul.
I then felt a trust begin to form…and I began to ask questions out to my Self. And got answers back from my body. From deep in my abdomen the answers came. Strongly and firmly without question as to meaning. Body and soul began a dialogue that I allowed without judgment for the very first time.
I’m not saying neglecting any part of myself is a wise decision, (I ended up very dehydrated with a headache as a result of not drinking any water for over 4 hours on a hot evening.) But, I am saying that I discovered how neglected a part of me has been. And I knew this before getting high. But, I didn’t put in any time to just sit with my soul and not let my ego-mind/saboteur get a word in.
I felt like a got some practice in loving me. And I felt, once again, that it was a beneficial experience. It felt like medicine…which is what my friend calls it…
I really REALLY dislike when I hear people talk about ‘healing experiences’ or getting ‘healed’ or seeing a ‘healer.’ And living in LA, I am surrounded by a lot of that mentality.
But, I do feel now that I initiated a healing process within me. I think I was avoiding it and obviously neglecting a malnourished soul.
I awoke the next morning with some new decisions and some new goals and a leap in clarity on certain relationships and choices I’ve made. It seemed that my soul had gained some of it’s own confidence and trust in ME (body and mind AND soul) back.
Nothing has really changed about me. But, I’m hoping that certain ways of thinking continue a shift that began months ago.
It’s the last day of June. Next time I sit down to write it will probably be my goals. I already told them to my best friend and also came clean for the first time about certain aspects of our relationship.
I have some major life-changing goals for the next several months–some major work-on-me stuff. Seriously focusing on ME–the me that felt neglected before psychodelic love session…