Here comes the sun…

*I’m stealing from my best friend and titling with song references…

First off, I really REALLY like that I’m writing this right now as I sit at my computer in my living room alone in the small early morning overcast light half-naked knowing that no one else in my neighborhood is awake yet on a holiday Monday.  It’s a good feeling.  It is like a warm aloneness.  It’s like being Daniel in the lions’ den after the Lord sealed the mouths of the beasts.  I feel surrounded by imminent threat but completely warm and safe in this place…and would want to be few places else.

Ah, good morning!

And welcome to July.  2011 is over half over…although, I still have over 6 months left to go on my restricted drivers’ license.  Ah c’est la vie…oh, and I’m practicing my French with my best friend b/c we have promised ourselves to a Parisian trip with one another next May!  (But, I keep cheating and using–I should just get her to let me borrow her Rosetta Stone…)

Wow, must be feeling tangental today…and seemingly avoiding something…but I really don’t know quite what it is…

I will be spending yet another day with my CrossFit buddies today.  I started my weekend with them on Friday night and will be ending this holiday weekend with them–and am so warm-happy about it!

I could turn this in to an homage de CrossFit, but that could get cheesy.  I do love them all in so many ways.  But, I feel mostly that I love the Me I’ve become as a result of this past year of my CrossFit experiment.  (Yes, it’s been an experiment–all my experiences and choices are–it fits in with my life’s mantra and mission statement for this life.)

I still get down in the dumps sometimes, but as a result of CrossFit (combined with certain friends in my life CrossFit and non), I feel better equipped to pull myself up out of ANYTHING.

It has been so tremendous to actually set goals that I ACTUALLY CAN SEE MYSELF ATTAIN!  That has done wonders for me.  It has given me a giant inner smile.

I have several goals connected with crossfit, but I’ve discovered that crossfit has this way of flooding out into all areas of my life and that type of mentality has been great for me to stay strong all the other 23 hours each day that I am not in the CrossFit Hollywood box.

My body has changed.  That’s nothing new.  My body morphs dramatically every time I have major change and life growth and worldview shifts–all things I have experience through my CrossFit experiment.

My goals have gotten bigger and bigger because I am gaining more and more confidence that YES, I can achieve each and every one of them.  They are no longer just the daydream fantasies that fill my head most of the time.  Well, they are that too–but they’ve also stepped out of that and into some other realm of mind that I have not always been comfortable using.  Each of my goals now sets foot immediately into the experiment part of my being.  I immediatly want to try it out.  It’s like I want to see what my max is at anything in life–just the same way I would with a lift or  gymnastics-type exercise in CrossFit.

So, as my body has changed, my mind has changed.  But, I’m also thinking it works and has worked the opposite way too.  In fact, I can’t tell you which was first–body change or mind/outlook change.  But, I’m also seeing myself differently–and FEELING myself differently.  And it’s a positive different (:

But, with the body change some of my body neuroses have naturally come up.  But, I’m channeling all of that so much better and more fluidly now!  I really REALLY wanted to lose a lot of weight and body fat doing CrossFit.  That hasn’t happened.  I have lost some and obviously gained some muscle mass, but it is not the results I wanted.  However, it’s what I got–and then some…some amazing friends and interesting people with stories!

And I don’t want to give those people up!  That’s pretty much what it comes down to!  I don’t wanna give them up!  I don’t want to move on to my next fitness experiment b/c I didn’t drop back under 120lbs yet.  I’m ok with where I am weight/body-wise because I feel healthier and stronger than I ever have in my life.  And I also don’t want to leave these people!

In fact, I’ve begun to set my outside-of-crossfit goals to cater to my inside-of-crossfit goals!  That is what led me to the film fighting class I’m taking right now.  I’ve been doing it for a month.  A couple years ago, I thought about stunt training, but that was it–just a thought.  As my strength increased and became visible in my body changes, I realized that my ‘look’ was transforming me into a different acting ‘type.’  I became aware of this and since acting is still my passion and ultimate joy, I decided almost instantly that I needed to do all I could to fit my new type…or else I was gonna have to stop crossfit and probably get a new hairstyle ):

So, I researched online and asked around–stunts is an even more closed industry than the regular acting world!  But, crossfit has made this fighter even more determined of a person!

And since starting the classes, some goals have begun to clarify–especially ones regarding my career, but also personal life goals as well!

I realized that I really REALLY like being active.  Everyday.  And I’ve discovered that it is a very likely possibility that I could get PAID to be active and doing something different and scary and unknown each day–just like in the box!

It is the beginning of a new month.  And here are my goals…they are much more long term than just for this month, but I really REALLY feel a shift taking place within me that is probably the largest in YEARS!  So, I’m opening up to the Universe and creating the space for growth and change…

First goal plays into a new bigger-picture goal of becoming a professional working fight double and stunt woman within the next 2 years working on major studio feature films…and using the money from my stunt career as a cushion for me to feel free to pursue any independent acting I want.  Because, I realized after several acting classes and after much soul-searching that I CAN have the EXACT career that I WANT!  And well, I don’t want to be a television actor.  I don’t want to play the same character for years and I also don’t want to constantly be having to audition for the next big guest star role.  But, what I do wan to do is films.  I want to do character-driven, thought-provoking films!  I want to do indie stuff!  I want to do what challenges me and gives me tingles in my spine and scares the shit outta me!!  I want to move into my fear in my career–physically and mentally and emotionally.  Thus, stunts for the ‘big guys’ and soul for the others–whomever they be.  All the while doing it all for the totality of my being.  Hehe–it takes a lot to satisfy me, so I ask a lot.  And am willing to work hard for these things.  I am not, however, good at working hard for things I only semi-want or am only partially passionate about.  That is not possible in my world.  I am an all or nothing type of person.  I need something to light a fire in my soul so much so that I can live off of the light and hear from that fire!  I’ve discovered not all acting stufff does that.  I am not going to waste my life in mediocrity by not seeking out the fuel for that fire!  Why would I?!  Who knows how long this life is?!  I want to pursue only fire-y goals!  Only ones that turn my soul on in the same way a really amazing lover can turn my body on–both being able to command so much of my being that my brain is silenced and thrown out of the room and I can’t even hear its opinions on whether I’m making a right or a wrong choice!  This goal is the first to do that in a really REALLY long time!

Next goal is personal.  I’m going to take a time of celibacy.  An indeterminate amount of time.  During my trip the other night, I realized just how much I’ve hurt myself with giving too much to this last lover–and in fact about 85% of all the lovers I’ve ever had, to be honest.  And it’s left me drained.  I don’t want to be this drained when I meet the man to be my lifetime lover and companion.  I have been milling this over in my heart and soul for the past few days and have made a heart’s decision…for love of myself.  So, I’m not having sex until I meet someone who is either that or makes me forget about that.  😉  I haven’t had a lot of sexual experiences in my life.  For awhile I thought I needed to, you know, because I’m in my twenties and that’s what I’m supposed to do…right…?  But, no, my soul doesn’t like it.  So, I’m celibate.  There are two exceptions to this celibacy vow–outside of falling head-over-heals in love tonight 😉  I think the two exceptions know who they are.  They can contact me at any time to discuss.

Interesting, that since I made this decision a few days ago I have also been much more comfortable in my own skin in public.  I don’t feel like I’m lost in a sea of like-me single twentysomething females in LA trying to beat out one another for the affections and attention of men.  I am not seeking it.  I want it–oh yes, I want it.  For the first time in YEARS I can say with complete and total honesty that Yes, I do in fact want a boyfriend–a mutually committed companion.  And since I now know that is what I want, I also am not allowing myself to settle anymore.  So, when one comes along, I’ll be ready and grateful and passion-filled, but I’m not seeking it out.  I’m not throwing myself in the competition of women–hehe, that is what crossfit is for.  😉

And since I am not throwing myself into that, my own perception of me has changed.   Instantly there has been less in-the-mirror self-criticism.  There has been and instant comfort in my body as MINE and MINE only!  The “I’m too fat and unattractive” thoughts are WAY down!  I’m not trying to fit a mold I think is what men will want.  Because I’m no longer in that matrix!  I’m outside of it…and will find my companion there…or, rather, I’m now open for him to find me 😉

Oh, and I have some crossfit goals this month, of course, as well…

1) increase my max rep pullups to 12 in row!

2)bench press 125 (this was a goal last month, but I never got a chance to test it out yet)

3) run a mile UNDER 7minutes (same note as goal 2)


About heathencomehome

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