I was just taking a bath…

I have the day off from work today and was feeling kind of lazy.  It was the kind of lazy I feel guilty about.  Like, I’m 25 and shouldn’t be this lazy on a Thursday in the middle of the day!  I should be working!  But I don’t want to be working, I thought.  I had a very brief dialogue with myself before settling into some deep self-thought. I don’t want to be working.  What do I want to be doing with my life?  Not, what are my goals–that is a different question.  Goals seem like destinations or stopping-points along the ever-changing journey of life.  They are great.  They are like stopping and seeing the scenery, the beauty, moments to take it all in in utter and complete gratitude.  Moments to rest along the journey all the while knowing I must carry on and cannot stay here to long before moving along on the journey and looking forward to future stopping points/landmarks (aka – goals achieved!) But, overrall, what do I want to be doing in the process…the journey?  I don’t have a complete or definite answer to this as life is ever-changing and ever-evolving…and so am I.  Like Ted says in that one How I Met Your Mother episode (it’s one of my FAVORITE shows!), “We all become our own doppleganger.”  I felt this to be so true when I saw that episode.  Comedicly deep/deeply comedic. So, an easier way to pose this question of how I would like to be spending the majority of my time as I live this life was required.  So, I asked myself what I would be doing each day if I didn’t ever have to work.  I just brainstormed a list of things I like doing and things I’ve never had the time or money to do…

-crossfit

-read

-meditate

-yoga

-travel

-spend a lot of time perfecting a kickass voice-over real

-learn new languages!

-discover hole-in-the-wall coffee shops

-learn to do something new

-take more acting classes

-take improv classes

-take more stunt classes

-take cirgue/trapeze classes

-check out Krav Maga

-get a crossfit certificaion

-take classes, classes, classes…

I began to see a pattern.  The more I began to list things in my brain, the more I began to hone in on one area.  And the more I focused on that the more excited I got–I felt the energy get me going!  I want to take as many classes as I can!  I want to learn–forever!  I want to be challenged mentally, physically, and spiritually!! I should not have been surprised.  Once when I was in college I called my mom and told her that if I never had to earn a living or work for money or had my life benevolently financed, I would just take classes forever…and have no major…and be working towards not degree…just taking the classes that interested me that I WANTED to take. *I wish there was someway to express how much faster my fingers have begun to type in proportion to the amount of excitement that grows as I talk about this… If I never had to work to earn money to pay my bills and to buy food and gas and pay for tickets and for entertainment and rent and myriad other things, I would use the excess money to finance my life of learning and acquiring new skills and moving on to something new whenever I wanted to and not when someone said that I had passed any required test to prove my knowledge (with the exception of physical classes, but that is for safety reasons, mainly.) It all comes down to the same reasons that I want to be an actress–I don’t want to be any ONE thing!  I want to be able to be EVERYTHING!  I used to tell people that I wanted to act because I could have the opportunity to do a whole bunch of different occupations and live a whole bunch of different lives in this one short life I have right now!  It is for this  very same reason that I want to learn, learn, and learn EVERYTHING–and not specialize!  I am very VERY fascinated by so many diverse things!  I want to experience so much of life while I can.  I want to go places and add to my experience and read things and see things in new ways!  I want to constantly be becoming my own doppleganger–and have to re-meet myself in the same way I set new goals…because each experience, just like each goal, changes me…and I really do like change. Perhaps I am just compartmentalizing a whole bunch of lives within this one.

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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