why can’t I write fiction?

Sometimes the voices in my head take over.

More so lately.  Probably b/c I’ve been allowing it.  And not judging it.

It may be the book I’m reading right now.

-I don’t know.

-but yes I do.

-but I don’t want to know sometimes

I’m not watching the screen as I type this b/c once I see the wrtten word a certain part of my brain starts to take over and then the words I wanna say get lost.

they aren’t even words I wanna say, they are more like the lingual representation of energies within me.  Something I want to express.  Yes, I want to express it.  I don’t have to.  and I know most people have no idea why I’d ever do such a thing.

but I feel lonely.

that really isn’t a reason, but I think it is the motivating factor.  I mean, I live in an isolating city in an isolating society in an isolating time.

my stomach just growled a growl of satisfaction…because I just ate breakfast.  but I know it was something more than that.  because deep down in the solar plexus is a second stronger more intuitive brain.  my guts feels all.  it is like the container for the emotions of my heart and the thoughts of my brain.  I think it is the seat of my soul.  I mean, it should be…it is probably the most comfy place ot reside.  All aches originate there.  feeling begins to spiral out from that core.

I hurt and feel a bit guilty.  those are feelings I want to go away.  now.  like, right now.

oh…boy…

just, why?

damn, I know that is a question I shouldn’t be asking

…and should is a word I need to remove from my vocabulary.

and I really despise the word need.

hmmm, perhaps that could be where all my pain comes from–need, should, why.  yeah, I think I have something there…

I want to write.  I just wish I could write like this.  like this right now.   it is going no where and very self-serving.  but I’d like to think that it could serve another.   I just don’t know what I’d write.  not a story.  although I have lots of stories in me.  My stories have no words.  THey are like dreams–just pictures.  And I don’t want to paint or to draw b/c it is never ever anywhere close to the picture I see in my head and want to share  with others.

and I guess the same thing happens when I write.  but at least when I write at least I benefit b/c I always make a discovery.  and discoveries are one of my favorite things about life.

I wanted to write something all month.  I wanted to write it by tomorrow.  I wanted to be epic.  I did several times in the 7 or 8 minutes just before I would fall asleep.  I wrote whole scripts—words and everything.  in a short amount of time.  the words just flowed.  but they were written for my own soul to see/read.  nothing material was produced.  because I didn’t want to stop the flow of beauty I was experiencing to go try to capture it and pin it down.  ya know, I didn’t want to be that parent at all of hte kids’ events that is always behind the camera capturing the moments but not ever fully experiencing them.  I’ve never wanted that.  I’m really glad my parents were never that way.  I am not a picture-taker at all for this reason.  And I thing it is also for this reason, that I so rarely choose to write down beautifully flowing thoughts…maybe I’m too selfish, but I love to experience them.

but, then I also know how achingly I want to share them.  but I guess, I don’t think they are ready to be shared.  nope not yet.  I have a deep and strong relationship with my inner self.  I will feel when something needs must be and more htan that WANTS to be shared.  right now, the Divine is giving me little private screenings.  I am so blessed.  Thank you.  thank you for this moment of discovery right here and right now as I write something completely unaware of what hte next thought it will lead to will be.

I want to move.  I am ready for big transition.  I feel a need and a longing for more within me at odds with a great feeling of stagnation. not a laziness.  not a boredom.  a stagnation.

oh boy, I know what that means…transition.  great transition is upon me.  I need a massive challenge.  that is what it will take to remove my stagnation.

 

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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