ok, that didn’t last too long

ok…so…celibacy…yeah…that one…well, it was a good goal for July.  And possibly may have served its purpose.  who know.  but I do know that I’ve met someone (well, not really met b/c I’ve known him for several months now) and pretty much spent 3 of the last 4 nights in his bed.  And get this, I actually slept like a baby next to him.  So, if my brief stint with celibacy accomplished that for me–way to go!

I mean, the sleep did follow 3 full rounds of sex, so I may have just been pooped, but still, I feel like I’ve gotten past a major hurdle hear.  And not just because I am no longer celibate or whatever it was I was trying to accomplish, but because I feel like I really let go and let down my guard and felt safe.  I didn’t fully get all vulnerable because, hey now, that is huge motherfuckin’ step for me to make and I’m not expecting quantum leaps here!

ok, I also have to acknowledge that I did have sex once during my celibacy but that was planned and something completely different that I still can’t quite put my finger on feelings-wise because it was with a friend that I so very much respect and now I feel like he may not fully respect me…but I’m sure I’m projecting that…I’m sure that will pop up sometime in the distant future as something I need to address.

But, right now I’m very much intrigued by how open I feel.

and also by how self-destructive I’m so tempted to be right now.

like, I want to ruin it.  I’ve found someone.  it’s not complicated.  I like him.  He likes me.  And I kind of feel it’s just too easy.  so, naturally I wan to do things to sabotage it.  I can feel the urges coming on.

but, I’m not giving attention to those urges.  I am simply acknowledging them and letting them float on by or stay awhile or whatever.  But, I won’t let myself ruin my fun,  my happiness, my life.  I’m having fun.  If nothing else, I think taking some time to be non-sexual allowed me to realize how playful I can be.  How non-serious it all is.  How much fun people are.  How little thought actually need go into things.  How intuitive I am.

whew…yeah…intuition…I’m trusting it oh so much more in the moment these days.  I’d say I’m going to continue to but, I don’t want to because I just wish to remain as present as I am at this moment.  I may stick with my heightened intuitive streak.  I may not.  But, it feels good.  and it is making the things in my life feel good too.  It’s making love easier.  just love in the moment and of the moment.

So, I’m flowing now.  I still have my goals, but they are so much more now-focused rather than by-then focused.

Perhaps that was the lesson I needed to learn.  I love how my goals tend to teach me more unexpected life lessons that really stick than they do make me feel that I’ve actually accomplished them.  That is my favorite part about goal-setting…also about reading books…also about the winding road my career is taking…also the way CrossFit feels everyday…also the way each and every relationship in my life keeps changing and evolving in the most unexpected and challenging ways.

thanks for the lesson, Self.

I think I’m done now.  done with celibacy.  for now.  only fo Now.  because it just feels…it feels.  not right or good.  it just feels.  and I am so much more comfortable with feeling.  it feels dangerous…so I will sit in it.  feeling feels dangerous and at home.  it is a rainbow experience–my favorite way to live!  (:


About heathencomehome

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