I’ve been crossfitting for over a year. about a year ago this time the crossfit gym I go to started a paleo challenge. I had a weight-loss goal then.
I still have that same goal. I’ve achieved many of my other goals at crossfit. but, my thighs still rub against one another when I walk and run. not cool. I don’t like that.
I don’t look muscularly toned and strong. I look just a bit heavier than I’ve ever been.
I’m not obsessive about the weight on the scale. But I do want to be able to like what I see in the mirror and feel good about the hard work I do and fit into cute clothes.
I went shopping yesterday. big mistake. I hate shopping. Clothes shopping in LA makes me feel overweight. nothing fits my thighs. too small or fits great everywhere else. then, my thights–and it’s way too tight. I know most things aren’t made/cut for women with curves in the lower half of their bodies, but I still feel like a huge monster-freak.
And then it gets me all depressed about why I am spending almost $200 a month to go and kick my ass 5 days a week at crossfit. And wonder why I am not eating any sugar or any grains and adhering to a pretty strict paleo/primal diet (with the exception of raw dairy) and hearing and reading all these success and life-changing stories of people who completely transformed their bodies in only like one month doing the paleo thing that I’ve been doing for over a year!
And then a month ago I started to apply the principles Tim Ferriss outlines in his book The 4-Hour Body. So, I’ve cut out fruits and am eating 30grams of protein within 30minutes of waking each day and am taking 2 supplements before each meal. I’ll see how it is in a month.
But, to be honest, I’m quite jaded by it all. And right now I’m just feeling really depressed about it all.
I know that the trigger was shopping yesterday. I hate shopping–especially traditional shopping at the mall or even the boutiques on Melrose near my apartment (they can be worse sometimes when it comes to self-esteem). But, the main trigger is probably my new guy. He likes me. A lot. Which means I have to like me too. I do. but not always. And it is difficult to accept such love and praise and adoration from someone for things I can’t see. it’s difficult to accept that he loves everything about how I look. That he thinks I’m hot and wants to have sex with me like all the time.
I’m having a major difficulty accepting this. I don’t feel he should. I don’t feel I’m at my best and he deserves my best and I keep trying to be better. I want to be more for him because I feel he deserves it. I don’t want him to have a chubby-looking only sort-of fit girlfriend. He deserves more.
I feel uncomfortable because I don’t feel attractive all the time. And I have a fear that he is going to one day suddenly discover this and I want to fix/change it before he does.