I HATE Shopping

I’ve been crossfitting for over a year.  about a year ago this time the crossfit gym I go to started a paleo challenge.  I had a weight-loss goal then.

I still have that same goal.  I’ve achieved many of my other goals at crossfit.  but, my thighs still rub against one another when I walk and run.  not cool.  I don’t like that.

I don’t look muscularly toned and strong.  I look just a bit heavier than I’ve ever been.

I’m not obsessive about the weight on the scale.  But I do want to be able to like what I see in the mirror and feel good about the hard work I do and fit into cute clothes.

I went shopping yesterday.  big mistake.  I hate shopping.   Clothes shopping in LA makes me feel overweight.  nothing fits my thighs.  too small or fits great everywhere else.  then, my thights–and it’s way too tight.  I know most things aren’t made/cut for women with curves in the lower half of their bodies, but I still feel like a huge monster-freak.

And then it gets me all depressed about why I am spending almost $200 a month to go and kick my ass 5 days a week at crossfit.  And wonder why I am not eating any sugar or any grains and adhering to a pretty strict paleo/primal diet (with the exception of raw dairy) and hearing and reading all these success and life-changing stories of people who completely transformed their bodies in only like one month doing the paleo thing that I’ve been doing for over a year!

And then a month ago I started to apply the principles Tim Ferriss outlines in his book The 4-Hour Body.  So, I’ve cut out fruits and am eating 30grams of protein within 30minutes of waking each day and am taking 2 supplements before each meal.  I’ll see how it is in a month.

But, to be honest, I’m quite jaded by it all.  And right now I’m just feeling really depressed about it all.

I know that the trigger was shopping yesterday.  I hate shopping–especially traditional shopping at the mall or even the boutiques on Melrose near my apartment (they can be worse sometimes when it comes to self-esteem).  But, the main trigger is probably my new guy.  He likes me.  A lot.  Which means I have to like me too.  I do.  but not always.  And it is difficult to accept such love and praise and adoration from someone for things I can’t see.  it’s difficult to accept that he loves everything about how I look.  That he thinks I’m hot and wants to have sex with me like all the time.

I’m having a major difficulty accepting this.  I don’t feel he should.  I don’t feel I’m at my best and he deserves my best and I keep trying to be better.  I want to be more for him because I feel he deserves it.  I don’t want him to have a chubby-looking only sort-of fit girlfriend.  He deserves more.

I feel uncomfortable because I don’t feel attractive all the time.  And I have a fear that he is going to one day suddenly discover this and I want to fix/change it before he does.


About heathencomehome

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