Checking in with Me

Really?  I haven’t written in here since I was in NYC?

Huh, it feels like longer…and shorter, too.

Feels like I need to update myself on myself.

Perhaps that’s what’s leaving me feeling so lethargic and behind lately–like I’m playing catch-up with myself and the univer–probably because I AM.

I realized while in NYC just how much I love the new man in my life.  And I’m now realizing how freaking much that scares me.

I’m running from and towards it all at the same time.  But, the best times are not when I’m running at all but letting the breeze of the now moment of joy and bliss just take me wherever my heart desires.  Those moments are easier to come by when I am in his company and away from that of my own head.

The company of my head is the one I’m in right now.  And that is why I am sooooooo glad I actually took the time to write in here and not turn the TV back on and not go on facebook and not read other blogs and not go to sleep and not eat or drink anything.

Perhaps this is what moving beyond resistance is.  Perhaps it is just letting yourself have a total and complete outlet.  I like the way that feels

I also like the way my roommate’s house/techno beats are blaring through the apartment and kind of helping me to get into some sort of tunnel to who-knows-where.  That, and the fact that I’m in all black with my hood pulled up over my head.

I start improv classes at UCB tomorrow.  I did improv all through high school.  I enjoyed it yet always felt I was the weaker link on any team I of which I was a member.  I like to think I’m less self-conscious and less reserved and less inhibited now…so, we’ll see how that goes.

My biggest fear right now is not the improv or my performance or how I “do.”  Rather, it is my jaded and disenchanted view of any acting-type classes.  I hate the “class” part of it.  Haha–and I’m a really good student…that straight As type.  And I think this is why

<just had an interruption.  a phone call.  took me 20 minutes to get back to this.  my eyelids have felt heavy since 3:30PM today.  and I got all the necessary sleep last night and didn’t even work out this morning at crossfit.  so, I dunno what gives.  I’m feeling heavy resistance.  Hmmmm, I’m gonna take that with a smile because heavy resistance means that Universe has some heavy tasks with even heavier rewards and blessings!>

So, yeah, I don’t want to have to deal with being lectured to–even in a non-patronizing way.  I don’t want to be forced to learn anything.  I don’t want to be held back or left behind because of others I’m learning with.  I’m such a selfish artist and student.  I know this.  It is something I’ve struggled with for as long as I’ve had a conscious memory.  This is no exaggeration.  I don’t like moving in a group.  and improv is all about that.  I typically enjoy it a lot, though.  But, that is when that group I’m in has a momentum.  The bigger the group, the more momentum required.  I fear large groups of people–have I said that?  Well, this is why.  the momentum to move a large group of people is HUGE.  The momentum to move a handful, is less and can grow at a steady comfortble pace.

Perhaps I’m needing to REALLY break out of that comfort zone.  I want to get THAT out of these next 8 weeks more so than any comedic timing or connections made.  Because I feel like overcoming THAT will do more for me–my soul.

I shaved my head.  Well, sort of.  I got rid of the mohawk I’ve had for 10 months by buzzing it all down to less than about 1/4 inch.  Except for one small bangs-like curl that the guys in the kitchen at work like to call a curly-Q.  I like to think it is cute and adorable and also an homage to my grandfather who has always had a swoop in the front of his silvery white hair.  I wanna get a bow for it.  Hehe…

Back to feeling torn about my lover.  I don’t feel enough for him.  I also feel slight guilt about not sharing everything with him because I don’t feel he has the container for all of me yet.  Is that not trusting him?  Then I question myself like that.  Oh boy…Also, I am still so very much in love with another.  I don’t feel it is “wrong” to love more than one person.  Why not?  We should love EVERYONE.  Why should I feel guilty about too much love for others?  There are much worse things–like not enough truly felt love.  It is just that the love I feel for another feels a bit more intimate–to me anyway.

C’est la vie.  And I’m learning all about this life and it’s weaving and sidewinding pathways.

And all I want to do right now is just stand here in the breeze…

About heathencomehome

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