I miss you. I miss my big brother. I miss being his little sister. I miss fighting with him. I miss playing with him. I miss him being carefree. I suppose he still can be carefree, but I never get to see it anymore. He alone has more control over me without even trying than anyone else ever in my life. He alone has had more influence/impact on me than any other individual. I do not know what happened in those early first few years of my life that I spent only with him that I do not remember, but it must have been pivotal. He is only 14 months older than me. That’s pretty darn close. But, I’ve never felt that close kinshippy-friendship to him. He has more so felt like an idol or a hero or someone up high whom I can never reach. LIke he is on a different level. Which is odd if one were to look outside on our lives from any other perspective than my own.
I don’t know what to get him for Chirstmas. I never do. I want to show him my love and my gratitude and my appreciation for all that he is and can be. He inspires me. I am jealous of his talents and his sociability and his potential. In fact, I’m in awe of it. I always have been.
He is so creative. So much more so than me. I remember him working on projects with his friends in elementary school and at church summer camp and how he would write these hilarious scripts. Everyone always loved them. I remember him doing the same for pep rally skits in high school. The ones he wrote were always so well-thought out and so well received.
He has shared some very creative and ambitious ideas with me over the phone in recent years. Things he has never worked on and may or may not have told to anyone else. I wish he’d pursue some of that more–if only for his own creative soul’s sake.
I came to an epiphany this morning. I want to collaborate with him. I want to work on something creative with my big brother. The one I always fight with. I want to produce something with him. I want to write something together with him. I want to encourage him the way that he inspires me and impacts me.