Dream Recall

I’m attempting to salvage my morning by writing.
I went out last night to celebrate a crossfit friend’s birthday. I haven’t really drank since my best friend’s birthday party a few weeks ago. (I did have homemade wine with my boyfriend–yes, I’m actually using that word now and will come back to this later at some point–on Halloween, but not really counting that.) So, after a pint of lager (love me my dark beers!) I felt more than buzzed.
I guess that compounded onto my 30days of this commitment to myself has really made my physiology quite clean and sensitive. I could actually feel 1 beer in my system. I could feel it going into my system. I could actually step outside of my body and kind of watch the experience for a bit as an outsider. It was kind of trippy. It was very mildly similar to when I did mushrooms the last time (emphasis on the ‘mildly’). And I only say that because when I trip out I usually like to be alone and analyze the experience as an outsider.
I guess I like doing that with most things in my life. Haha, now I’m analyzing my analysis as an outsider as an outsider. Cool.
Anyway, I keep having the most vivid and life-like dreams of my life. It all started about a week or two ago. Most of them involving moving and or traveling. I figured it could be because I was reading a book called Vagabonding that a friend gave to me. But, then two other friends suggested that it could mean something(s) deeper. Those suggestions have really fucked with me. I think they’ve driven me deeper into the exploration of my subconscious. And sometimes I feel like I’m getting lost.
Last night I felt like I had epic-long dreams. I felt like I dreamt for 30 years. I felt like Rip Van Winkle. And I woke up way later than usual. (Was that one pint laced with something?!) And last night’s dream was not about travel. It was more about my own sexuality. I pretty much slept with about every man I know in my dreams last night! (No wonder it felt like I dreamt for 30 years.) I kind of awoke feeling like a slut. Yet, at the same time, I awoke three or four times mid-dreaming and immediately sent myself back to dreamland because I really wanted to see where all of this was going to lead me and who was gonna be next.
I never got to the one person I wanted it to be. Interesting. Perhaps reason why I awoke feeling slutty. I actually awoke with that feeling that I was sleeping with all of these people in order to find a piece of myself in each of them but losing more of me than I was gaining. I felt a bit empty when I woke up. I wanted to do yoga but had no motivation. I felt like I really got no sleep at all when in actuality I got more sleep than usual.
Also, in my dream I felt like I was searching for some sense of power. And I really felt I had it. Powerful yet empty.
Aha! I love these discovery moments! That is how I feel about myself. I feel oh-so powerful. But I feel it is an empty power. A power to do nothing. A non-directional power. A useless power. I feel it everyday. It overwhelms me. At times, I feel it suffocating me. Perhaps it is the emptiness that is so powerful…not me at all. Perhaps it is me that is empty/nothing. Or is it me that is power? I guess I could see it both ways. And I do. Both are useful. But how and when?
Ah, that’s the journey–discovering how and when to be empty and how and when to be powerful. I don’t know the answers to any of those. So, I sit here and do nothing. Sitting in my emptiness. Containing my power within it. Or containing my emptiness in my power…no, I don’t think so. That’s just the facade that I present outwardly. Inside it is my powerful emptiness that leads me to do and be nothing.


About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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