I sucked at my crossfit workout today. Both of them. It really affected my day. I felt like a failure. I felt like crap. I beat myself up over it. (I still am.) I feel like I will not get any better. I feel like I’ve stagnated. I feel like I’ve stopped improving.
I don’t know why all of this is so important to me. I have always been into health and fitness, but I always assumed that was tied up with my body issues that I have–I mean, it always had to do with losing weight.
I feel like I’ve replaced the weight-loss compulsion with some other performance compulsion within my crossfitting universe.
For the past 4 or 5 months the following video has been my goal. It’s called a muscle-up. It is the foundation for male gymnastics ring routines. For awhile recently I really felt like I was close to achieving this coveted milestone amongst female crossfitters.
But today, I feel further from it than ever. I feel like I’ve just plateaued. But why is this all getting so me so much? I’m not an athlete by profession. I have nothing to gain from this except a sense of self-pride and accomplishment. Perhaps that is what I’m addicted to. I’m addicted to achievement. I’m addicted to the self-measurement that comes from my own inner workings when I achieve a milestone.
I am addicted to measuring myself. And right now, I’ve fallen short of a measurement that I felt was steadily improving.
Back to self-loathing and beating myself up. Back to not feeling good enough–for me.
God, I hate this. I hate how I keep replaying my day over in my head and the only things that are making it a ‘failure’ to me are to acts that collectively took less than a half hour.
I don’t know how to balance caring and hard work with obsession and self-ignorance. I seem to work in extremes. I either care too much to an obsessive degree or I do not care at all and give up something as quickly as I inhale organic dark chocolate…