I sucked at my crossfit workout today.  Both of them.  It really affected my day.  I felt like a failure.  I felt like crap.  I beat myself up over it.  (I still am.)  I feel like I will not get any better. I feel like I’ve stagnated.  I feel like I’ve stopped improving.

I don’t know why all of this is so important to me.  I have always been into health and fitness, but I always assumed that was tied up with my body issues that I have–I mean, it always had to do with losing weight.

I feel like I’ve replaced the weight-loss compulsion with some other performance compulsion within my crossfitting universe.

For the past 4 or 5 months the following video has been my goal.  It’s called a muscle-up.  It is the foundation for male gymnastics ring routines.  For awhile recently I really felt like I was close to achieving this coveted milestone amongst female crossfitters.

But today, I feel further from it than ever.  I feel like I’ve just plateaued.  But why is this all getting so me so much?  I’m not an athlete by profession.  I have nothing to gain from this except a sense of self-pride and accomplishment.  Perhaps that is what I’m addicted to.  I’m addicted to achievement.  I’m addicted to the self-measurement that comes from my own inner workings when I achieve a milestone.

I am addicted to measuring myself.  And right now, I’ve fallen short of a measurement that I felt was steadily improving.

Back to self-loathing and beating myself up.  Back to not feeling good enough–for me.

God, I hate this.  I hate how I keep replaying my day over in my head and the only things that are making it a ‘failure’ to me are to acts that collectively took less than a half hour.

I don’t know how to balance caring and hard work with obsession and self-ignorance.  I seem to work in extremes.  I either care too much to an obsessive degree or I do not care at all and give up something as quickly as I inhale organic dark chocolate…


About heathencomehome

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1 Response to Goals/Obsessions

  1. Pingback: Goal: Accomplished! | Heathen Come Home

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