Ugh…I can’t believe how easily I allowed this to happen.  I’m kind of disgusted with myself.  Could be that I feel a bit run down today…or it could be the reason that I am feeling run down.

I discovered last night that I’ve become needy.

Huh…maybe I always have been and I’ve just been lying to myself.  I wonder what those closest to me would say.  I don’t know, but would be interested.

Anyway, wow, I’m super-needy.  And I’m sure this comes from the low level of esteem I have for myself.

I allowed a minor incident to color the past 24hours of my life black.  Not surprising…I seem to gravitate towards the darkness once I’ve found a bit of light shining brightly into my life.

I’m so needy of my boyfriend lately.  Like, annoying girlfriend needy.  I would gross myself out if I were friends with me.  It’s a bit too much.  I don’t know where this came from.  I don’t know where this sudden attachment came from or how it developed, but it is scaring me.  I don’t know who I am.

The last time I was in a relationship that could actually qualify to use the terms ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ was a decade ago.  I’m not used to even mild attachment to another adult human being.  So, how on earth did this all develop?

When did I give up the power I have always fought so hard to maintain?  I feel like a rag doll.  Being tossed around by the whims and decisions of someone who has a hold on me.

It’s not even like he is manipulative.  God, at least then I could be upset with someone other than myself.  But he’s not.  He is probably the most honest person I know.  Maybe it is that I am not as honest as he is.

Hmmm, yup I’m sure that’s it.  It all comes back to guilt with me.  Each and every time.  This has nothing to do with attachment.  Well, it probably does.  But, my attachment and neediness comes from my guilt.  I have a desperate need deep down inside to be the one always at fault so that in turn I can be forgiven.  A never-ending cycle in my psyche.  I have to be the one at fault and to blame and responsible–even if there is nothing for which one need take blame or responsibility.

Coming back to a need for control.  If something is my fault at least I caused it.  I can blame myself.  I have always done this.  It is just that now I am doing it and stringing someone along who has such a heart for forgiveness.  So, that first forgiving gesture led me to find something new to feel guilty about so that I could have that forgiven feeling from another human being again.

God, I think I did this as a kid, now that I think about it.

I’m so glad I’m recognizing patterns and cycles in my thoughts and behaviors so that I can address them and not allow them to define who I am for any more of my life.


About heathencomehome

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