How my Best Friend became my Wife…3 times and counting…

I have been married 3 times now to the same person.

She always leaves me for another flame. But then she always wants me back.

And I always take her back. Without question or hesitation. I love her. And I always will.

My wife is my best friend. When her relationship with her long term boyfriend–the one she thought could really be the ‘one’–ended after a gradual disintegration, she was upset to come to terms with admitting it to everyone in her life and then having to rehash every little intricacy and nuance that led to the inevitable end of their romantic life.

Translation=she was quite hesitant to change her relationship status on her facebook and then be inundated with comments and messages from people who didn’t really know the situation nor who needed to know the details.

In order to remedy this, she naturally turned to humor. She asked me to marry her. Online, that is. You see, if two best girlfriends are “married” in their online virtual life, no one will likely question the “real” relationships these two heterosexual women have with other me.  It’s like this, “oh, that’s cute that they are married on their facebook profiles because they spend so much time together anyway. those two are such good friends. how cute and funny are they?! you know, come to think of it, they really are married in the sense that they get each other so much…minus the whole sexual aspect.” *Straight men may leave off that last comment and replace it with fantasies of sexual activity between the two women. Either way, everyone wins. It eliminates the need to go over the heart break by masking it with humor…something my best friend/wife is extremely gifted at.

So, we got online married in the fall of 2009. But, then, about a year later, my wife met someone else. Another boy. Another potential ‘the one’. She asked if we could end our online marriage. And, since my love is unconditional and totally dependent on her happiness and well-being, I conceded, approved, and gave my blessing…even though there was something about this new boy that seemed sketchy to me.

Boy, were my intuitions right! New ‘the one’ broke her heart. That just doesn’t fly with an ex-wife who’s feelings have not changed.

Two months later we got remarried. This time with a ceremony! Yes, we had a wedding! It was at her house. We invited all of our friends, and by “all of our friends”, I mean “all of her friends and a couple of mine.”

Our ceremony of love and commitment was in no way near an ‘official’ anything. Really, it was just an excuse to dress up, drink, pary, and eat cake! In fact, I went home with someone else that very night and ended up sleeping with a man my wife already didn’t really approve of. But, at least I got laid on my wedding night!!

In fact, unless we have another re-marriage ceremony, I’m quite sure that will be my only wedding in this lifetime. I have no desire to spend way too much money to tell someone that I love them and then try to project my present Now-time feelings decades into the future just to appease any sense of doubt he or I may have in ourselves and each other.  But, that is all for another post…

This one is about my wife. After ‘new boy’ became a total fuckface and we remarried, things were great for a few months. But, both of us lead quite liberal lives and had acquired so many new friends in our young-adult post-college lives that some of them just didn’t understand the nature of our relationship the way that our older friends had/did.

Translation=we both got a lot of questions that we never did before about our sexuality. This didn’t bother me as I have been getting the “are you lesbian, because if you are that is ok” comment since I was 17 and wanted to take my girl friend to prom only because I didn’t want to go with any guy who wasn’t my ex. So, I’ve gotten used to the sexuality questioning. Not to mention the timing of our second marriage took place while I had a mohawk and had gotten REALLY into crossfit.

So, my wife who was unused to this line of questioning and kind of felt offended that people didn’t know her better than that, decided to end the online marriage thing.

Once again, like a good wife, I conceded. See, I can be good at the submissive thing. Perhaps I would have made a good little wifey back in the nineteenth century…uh, yeah…maybe not.

But just a few days ago, she had a change of heart. She asked me to facebook marry her again. (what all this really means is that we both don’t have to discuss our ACTUAL private lives online and can actually keep them private.)

She asked me while she was in flight back to LA from her hometown. I was at work and couldn’t respond for a few hours. I think she got nervous. But, I finally said yes…again. And we are planning a remarriage ceremony at this moment. Really, it IS all about the wedding ceremony, because who doesn’t LOVE an excuse to party?!

So, that’s the abridged version of the love story between my best friend and me. (:


About heathencomehome

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2 Responses to How my Best Friend became my Wife…3 times and counting…

  1. Sassy says:

    It was because the plane was about to crash!! “I CAN’T DIE SINGLE ON FACEBOOK!!!!”

  2. Pingback: Bye Bye Cheese | Heathen Come Home

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