Best. Sex. Ever.

How does one keep his or her mind young and fresh and inspired and creative? How does one avoid laziness and apathy? Are all animals designed to prefer stillness and rest over stimulating or strenuous work? Or is it just us humans who shirk responsibility so vehemently?

These are the questions with which I entered 2012. In fact, they have all been nagging me for, yup, about a week now.

Even right now, as I sit here on a comfy chair with sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many deeply passionate ideas, I prefer to stare at a computer screen or just curl up with a book rather than really make my mind put the info it constantly consumes like a starving adolescent boy just out of school ravages a refrigerator.

Am I afraid of being misunderstood? Am I afraid that the ideas in my mind won’t translate to words–in much the same way that an artist fears his or her works won’t effectively match the ones first conceived in the mind or a musician fears his or her voice won’t sound as angelically moving as the one that haunts him or her day and night?

Yup. Pretty sure it’s the latter.

My mind plays movies over and over and over again in my head. All of my life this has happened. It is a magnificent, magical, and beautiful gift I with which I was born.  But, I am quite certain that most things in this world try to find balance and homeostasis. Thus, with each gift we are given, my belief is that it has an evil twin–a curse.

While trying my damnedest not to come off as arrogant, I believe my curse is my mind–intelligence and its by-product logic.

My gift and my curse spend more time arguing with one another than either of them do to really help me or harm me. I guess it can be seen as a glass half full because I have not been one to succumb to my curse so wholly that I’ve let it convince me that life and existence are meaningless–I’ve been able to keep my wonder for life. But, since the two are constantly just trying to one-up each other, they leave me in a state of neutrality–not moving backward or forward in life.

I guess awhile ago for some psychological protective reason, I cut myself off from both my gift and my curse. I just didn’t claim either as mine or a part of me. How did that result?

“I’m creative, but not in any useful or beneficial way”

“I’m smart…enough…perhaps above average. But not in any way that can benefit myself or anyone else.”

“I have great ideas, but that’s all they are–ideas.”

“I learn and retain things easily, but that just means I’m a good student and a good memorizer–not that I can apply any of those things I learn.”

Those and many more mental phrases of neutrality and non-action reflect the bulk of my psychological life.

What am I doing now? I’m writing, of course. Because when I write, I can stop both of those voices and focus on one. I don’t know whose voice this is. Because it doesn’t feel like that creative mental movie-maker, and it also does not sound like the overly-analytical logician. Maybe it is the fusing of the two. THey marrying of them, if you will. Or, beyond that, the mating of the two. My intelligence and my creativity making love to one another and in passionate embrace conceiving their love child–my Voice.

So, here it is. I feel so much more fully Me right now. And I want to bring more and more of THIS ME into this new year and time of transition in my quarter-life years.

A major move may be very imminent in my life very soon. I do not want to rely on this move to spark any major ‘change’ in my life, but I do think it is the CHANGE that is taking place that is influencing the move in a couple new directions.

I am actually going to start sharing my writing more and more. This blog, scary as it sounds to me, is going to be less and less hidden away and private.

I am embracing newness and energy flowing in to support me. But, to receive it, I first need to take a big breath and a huge leap out there where I fear the exposure on the nakedness of my Voice.

And, for the first time, I am asking for help in this. Any help in any way shape or form. Use your creativity…and your intelligence.

*I really did have the best sex ever last night…but it is just coincidental that I just shared my own mind-blowing mind fuck. It’s also attention-grabbing–something else I’m doing more of.

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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One Response to Best. Sex. Ever.

  1. You are amazing, an incredible writer who I feel to be parallel in many of our thoughts…know this, everything begins with an idea, remember how your wisdom and intellect can pair with your creativity and place some fire behind it. This blog feels like the perfect place to get started! i love you!

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