What am I supposed to do?

I talked about my writing today. Openly. Like I was a writer or something.

Like, I talked about myself as a writer. And what it was like writing.

Is it weird that this feels like a MAJOR accomplishment?! Is it weird that this feels like I took about 100 giant leaps forward?! I feel like giving myself a major reward for this!

So, my reward is to–what else?–write about it! Because, ya know, I am a writer and am now taking a writing class to further my writing and for the first time ever in my life feel like I am taking major steps toward something that frightens me more often than it excites me…but excites me with 10,000x the intensity of the regular terror.

Yup, that is a very good description. That is exactly it. Probably the only thing that scares me more is the thought of getting pregnant–and, well, that is a whole different kind of scared that comes from a different part of the complexity of me.

I never ever EVER wanted to be a writer. In my conscious mind, that is. But, I have always always ALWAYS created stories and characters. I haven’t wanted to do those things. I never thought about doing those things. I just did them. It is why I played alone as a kid. It is what I do when I play alone now as an ‘adult.’ It is what I am doing most often when anyone asks, “What are you thinking about.” I’m not thinking about writing or what I am going to write, but I am thinking up stories and character that just pop in and come to visit me.

I guess I just figured out why I am taking this class. I am taking this class because I finally want to let these people, places, and ideas out of the cramped quarters of my brain and into their own homes.

And I guess the most rewarding things are those things that we feel almost paralyzed by the thought of. That’s how I feel right now. I feel very sink-or-swim like. I feel like if I don’t give this ALL of me, that I won’t learn how to do so in any other area of my life either.

So, in a way, a lot is riding on this class. Well, maybe not this class alone. But, it is relying on my courage to stand up to myself despite myself and tell myself to fuck off and be complete scared beyond belief and trust in my own creative strength.

And…this is all just a question. Because I really REALLY do not know the answer. Or any answers. I don’t know any “supposed to’s” about anything–especially in my creative life. As a great friend and love once told me, “There is nothing you are supposed to do. You just make a choice and see how it feels.”

This choice feels scary…but like roller-coaster scary…thrilling. Yes, that is much better term.

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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