The Tipping Point

I started another blog.

It is a photo blog on Tumblr.

Here it is…

http://reformedvegan.tumblr.com/

I’m not going to re-explain it here. I just think it is another level of self-study that I’d like to share.

Really, it is also a lazy person’s food journal. Because I don’t want to have to get a notebook and waste paper to write all my daily food intake in.

Also, it has already (after only 2 days) been quite interesting. I feel I’m being changed by it already.

This is something that I think I’ve really wanted to do for quite some time. I am really into health and fitness but have never actually held myself to a set of strict standards for my health and fitness performance. This will be just the way to do that. (:

Another thing. The tipping point. The event that sent me over the edge. A conversation with my lover the other in the car the other night.

After a day of some slight binge eating, I was feeling kind of gross and unsexy. And he could sense something was wrong. He thought I was sad/mad about something. I didn’t want him to worry or think anything of my own chronic self-destructive anxiety about my weight/appearance/shape/etc.

I told him nothing was wrong–but in that way that I’m sure every man knows that the really IS something wrong.

I just didn’t want to even be touched by him. I felt like a blimp. I felt like I’d gain 100lbs in a day. I felt like all my muscles had melted away and all I was was just flabby unhealthy fatty smelly flesh. I felt like my waist was 42 inches wide.

He could sense my recoiling.

I don’t know how the conversation started, but it did. I think it was a piggy-back off of an earlier conversation about him working out and wanting ot put on a little weight and gain some muscle and how hard it is for him to gain weight.

Women HATE hearing men say this. But, he’s my lover. I want him to share all with me and I listen with an understanding ear. And vice versa–I feel completely comfortable sharing ALL with him and knowing that he always listens with an understanding and loving and genuinely caring ear.

So, in his voicing of the desire to gain some weight, I also voiced my desire to lose some. He asked how much. I said, I’d love to start with just 10 but maybe more than that like 20 or so as a long term goal.

He said he’d love it if I lost 10lbs.

I held back the inner demon in me that wanted to attack both myself and him. I really truly wanted to hear his honest and truthful feelings on the subject.

I asked him, “Really? Would you like me better if I lost 10lbs?

“Yeah, you’d be so sexy then.”

A large part of the reason I love him so very much is his complete and utter honesty. He can/could lie. But rarely does because he is a very efficient man. Lies are most often inefficient because you have to spend time/energy keeping them going.

There was silence for a bit.

He said again, “You’d be like perfect then. I don’t think that you need to lose weight, but if you did, I would like it.”

Silence again.

“I mean where could you lose weight from anyway? The only thing that is kinda big is your thighs and your butt. I guess if you lost weight there, you’d be too sexy. I wouldn’t get anything done. I’d want to fuck you all the time. I wouldn’t let you leave my room.”

Really? My butt and thighs I’m fine with. I was thinking more my waist and then a little bit from everywhere else proportionally.

But, I know he was trying to be as honest as possible while still being somewhat complimentary.

He’s good at honesty. I know/knew that.  He is not good at compliments. I also know/knew that.

Such honesty, though. How do you argue with someone who is being so honest with you? I’d rather that kind of honesty than the typical manipulative dishonesty that plagues relationships.

And his saying of these things, actually, in a way, makes me love him more.

…but it makes me love myself less.

I couldn’t bring myself to be touched by him the rest of the night.

I cried the rest of the 90minute drive back to his place. I went right to sleep in a curled up ball in his bed before he could even say good night.

I didn’t want to ‘punish’ him for his honesty. But I also couldn’t lie to myself about how it had made me feel.

I value his honesty and never ever want it to stop–no matter how it makes me feel.

But, I decided in that instant, that I cannot at all allow myself to not lose 10lbs this month. It is happening.

Because I’m in love. And because I want to feel sexy. And I don’t.

I don’t care who else in the world thinks I could be sexy as hell. Because if the man I want to be fucked nine ways to Sunday by has even a slight want of a sexier me that is within my control and doesn’t conflict with my dreams, values, and desires, then I am not going to give up until he can’t help but get a boner at the sight of me every time.

I know he loves me and never asked me to lose any weight. THis is more about me not wanting to feel not enough. Right now, I don’t feel enough for him

So, I thought up this new food journal photo blog in me head in less than 12hours. And had it implemented the next day.

And the next day (today) I actually liked it because I found a way for it to stimulate the nerdy need I have to experiment with all aspects of my life.

Win/win…?…

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About heathencomehome

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One Response to The Tipping Point

  1. Mom says:

    This is such an emotioanl topic. Our weight and body image tied to good health. I have been concerned about you and your struggle with these 2 topics for quite a long time. It sounds like you have a lover that is very suppportive for the most part. For that I am grateful. You must decide to come to some type of balance and self-control with diet, activity, and health. You have swung from oneside (vegan too thin) to the far other side (meat-eater and a bit too heavy). I pray for you to find balance. Balance that creates harmony with your diet, body, and fitness. But first you have to know what you want. You must set some standards for yourself. Some self-control that you can, for the most part, create a Mary that is happy and satisfied with herself physically. You have told me before that your body is a tool in your occupation of acting. What standards does this tool have to meet to achieve the goals you have for your acting career or even that will help you get started? Good luck. This is hard work and is a spiritual journey as well because we live in a culture of tempation. Full of plenty. We must learn to use self-control with money, resources, food, sexual desires, whatever……
    Love,
    Mom

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