I’m a F*#king Heroine!

I just wrote a letter to my big brother.

Well, I haven’t sent it yet.

It was an assignment from my therapist.

He said the the largest internal block I have is the image I’ve created around my brother.

The only way to release myself from that is to release him.

The only way to release him is to not expect anything from him.

The only way to release the expectation is to forgive.

And the only way to forgive is to apologize.

Dig deep and apologize without need for forgiveness.

An apology for him and not for me.

Release.

I feel like this should help with some psychological blocks.

But, not right away.

And, I guess, the scariest thing is that I’m not sure if I’m READY to release my blocks.

I hide behind them. I always have. My blocks are huge boulders that shield me from sun, rain, wind of life.

I don’t know what it is like to have them removed.

Exposed.

THat is what it is like.

Exposed to the world.

Completely naked. Accountable.

I’m feeling a bit sick right now. Just writing this is making my stomach queasy.

I have to be brave enough to step out from behind my blocks. I’m removing them. Now. Fuck the little girl who is too scared and wants to hide behind them forever. She isn’t me. I don’t like her. I feel sorry for her.

The real me, the rest of me, wants to live–to live in success and happiness and happiness for my success. That isn’t possible behind those boulders. I don’t value those boulders. I don’t hold onto my pain like it is a crown because it ain’t worth shit! [Thanks for that quote/image, friend ;)]

The real me ready and waiting to start and LIVE my life is strong enough to move the boulders and resourceful and wise enough to nurture the scared little girl at the same time.

Why? Because I’m a fucking heroine! My own Heroine!

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About heathencomehome

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One Response to I’m a F*#king Heroine!

  1. Mom says:

    What do you mean by “apology”? Dad and I believe an apology for your behavior on June 11, 2011 is still due toward many of us. We have to wonder how mature you really are when many months later you are still unable to own your behaviors and show little remorse for how your behaviors effected those of us that love you and expected more from you and the expectations were not so high that you have room to complain. Just say your sorry and be done with it. Some times I just want to shout GROW UP!! One sure way of release for many of us is owning our behaviors and saying were sorry to mend some relationships and go on.

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