I don’t want to be an actor anymore.

I want to act.

I don’t want to audition.

I hate auditioning.

I love to act.

Auditioning is not acting.

Or, maybe it is and I had a very wrong and idealistic idea of what an actor does and now that child within has been disillusioned to no more do what her soul loves so very much.

I don’t like auditioning or pursuing and finding auditions. I don’t like being my own business.

I like being my own person and then being allowed to use that person to create other persons.

Idealistic. Not reality. Fairyland.

Fucking grow up.

Do I have to grow up?

Really? Do I? What happens if I don’t? And I just hold onto my dream of being an actor whilst not completely wrecking the me inside?

I’m bad at making my art a business. And, so, I think I need to find a business. Or a business version of me.

But still a “me.”

Still someone I like being and enjoy spending time with each day. Someone my artistic me can get along with. And maybe actually play with.

So, I’m off to find her. Or, at the part of me that likes to do something on the other end of the spectrum.

I need to find both a business-y me and a business FOR me.

I think I need to find a profession…so that I can stop relying on others to help fund my dreams that are really just soul songs that fulfill a deep ever-hungry need inside of me. The help of others will never satisfy that hunger.

I need to find ways to feed myself.


About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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