Dear Fear…

I’ve come to an ominous realization.

After analysis of the series of whimsical unplanned jump-and-learn-to-fly-on-the-way-down decisions of my early adult life, I can only conclude one very frightening probability–I will one day be a mother.

Scares the fuck out of me because I don’t want to be. Not now. Never have I wanted that. I’ve always said I never want kids.

But it is that word. ‘Never.’ That word points the huge pointy index finger of fate right at me.

Because my life has proven to be a series of nevers happening…and happening with unthought enthusiasm.

Scary.

I say all of this as I sit here with my now blonde hair. I NEVER wanted blonde hair. I hated blonde hair. And I was never EVER going to dye my hair blonde because that is what everyone else does and I didn’t want to be like everyone else, dammit.

My hair is blonde after previously being shaved off…and two years of short boyish hair.

I was never going to do that either. My mom has short hair. Short hair was for her and not me. I was going to be different.

Both of those nevers were reversed in an instantaneous unthought feeling of “YES” and not just a normal “yes” but a “Fuck it, yes!”

All things that I consciously did to move into my own fear.

I don’t want to have kids. I really don’t want to be a mother but all of the fear I have surrounding it is making me even more uneasy because my fears have a tendency to become my best friends over time.

What kind of mother would I be? Fucking scary and irresponsible. Now.

But how long will it be before this ultimate of my fears sidles up next to me and asks if I want to go out for drinks…and then starts saying all the right things…and then is not so much scary as exhilerating and challenging…and not just passively challenging, but DARINGLY so. What if my once fear now friend DARES me to do something? WHat then? My fears know I’m a sucker for a challenge.

This one, though…I don’t know. I may just be too scared altogether. It is so much safer here–for all of us.

Please, Fear, hold out on this one for awhile I can’t handle that ultimate of challenges. Please stick to things like crazy haircuts…or maybe even a tattoo…I did say I’d never get a tattoo as well…that is way safer…right…?

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About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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