Fuck him. Yeah–ya know, that guy. I’m tired of his shit. I’ve had enough. I’m serious. I’m confused–did he get that? huh? Did I fucking get it through his thick head? His stubborn horse’s ass? Yeah, I bet he did. Thinks he knows everything. Right? Don’t deserve horses in green coats to give him the food he eats from heaven drops Goddesses feed us with tree finger-leaf hands. Sitting in that riverbed loneliness. Blindfold on his heart’s ears so he hear and see no love colors. Black and white stains on my heart from his shit. From his love-lack. I’m picking up the debris of our yet unlived lives. He and I and I and he–could’ve been friendship kind of. But his sick man-belly sticks out like a whore and my fingernails are dirty all the way thru and thru.
I had a dream the other night. Fantasy and magic abound in that world where he arose in fullest life. He and we live there. Love and live in full-color rainbows painted by smiles of freedom songs. Knowing how to dance. Dervish–he and I and us all–family. crazy shit. My bro, yo. ya know? Don’t know shit, really. But, I can make it up as I go. Like this–ladidadida. Like that? No. Have it all figured out. And I’m a dumbass. Ain’t that right? I got it all right. All together. All I want is to talk. Like, for real talk to him. No fear. Please don’t paralyze me! Don’t fear me, either. I love and I don’t know how to love. I want a hug. Really, that’s all I want. A hug and a promise. And a smile. Catch a throat lock bumpkin belly bag down funny fingers snatch my crazy kindness killed. Watch her cunt. Protection Christ. Falalalala–poof. Woooooooo–shut.
That didn’t make any sense. But, then again, I never do. Especially according to him.
I won’t hound him or anyone anymore. I can’t. It hurts too much. I forgive him. Again. And Again. Do you? Do you forgive him?
Did he see her? She walked right into his hospital room. Dressed all in white and pink and pretty like a virgin wearing his grandmother’s ring on her left hand. Entered with the sunlight and bird songs of heaven announcing his health. I get it that he didn’t get it. He was sick. But we all saw it. We wish he could’ve seen it. We wish he would be at peace and allow the love to flow in and out. He just sat there. No tears. On that metal framed bed. All white. She wanted him to see her. We all did. Just wanted to be seen.
She caught his eye. I saw the tear stream down his cheek. I despised it. I was jealous of the tears he’d cry for her and never for me. Never saw my tears. I wanted to hide in a cave and be ugly for awhile. I wanted to be alone. That is how he makes me feel.