I like to be alone so often because i forced myself to like it in high school when my boyfriend broke up with me and I was devastated and I realized rejection for the first time. I realized there were things in life you couldn’t get by working hard. That thought was absurd to me because I had always been taught if you want something and work hard for it you will get it. And it proved true to that point in my life.
That was my first experience with disillusionment. The thought that my whole worldview and value system and approach to life was faulty in some areas. At that point I learned people were going to reject me and turn on me not because of who I was but because of who they were. It didn’t make it hurt any less so I decided to get used to the loneliness. I was a once-social butterfly who spent just about every night of my senior year in at home with my parents.
It carried over into college when I didn’t want to make any friends because I knew they wouldn’t really be my friends when college was over in just a few short years so I didn’t let anyone get too close.
When I moved into my first apartment of my own less than a year after college, I was there alone every night. I had just a lone couch in the giant living room of my $900/month full 1bedroom in Valley Village, CA–which I thought was an affordable step up from North Hollywood. I had no television. And this was just when Facebook was first becoming open to everyone outside of colleges and universities–this, early stage social media. My phone had no internet access. Yet.
I didn’t want to date because I knew I didn’t ever want to get married or have kids so if someone wanted to date me, he was gonna have to try really fucking hard–because I never ever went out and met people.
I got really good at being home alone with my own self. So much so that it is now my comfort zone. It’s my safety net. It’s my security blanket.
These days whenever I’m weighing the options of things to do, being alone with myself feels so comfortable it is the easy choice unless I feel real true love and connection on the other end.