I need a hit

I no longer have a ‘day job.’

And I’m frickin LOVIN it!

Well, sort of. For the most part. In moments. Sometimes.

The chaos and unknown are my rehab. For the addiction of routine, structure, time-management.

Blech!! Fuck all that. I spit it out and just stare at the colors and bubbles as they disappear in the palm of my hand. Dissolving into air.

I say goodbye. But I do not make my peace. For it all returns sometime. Someday. When I seek out a hit from order to save me from my Self.

In this current disorder, I’m coming in and messing that shit up too.

Because, why the F not?! Why not? I have no obligations. I have no one to answer to. I just gotta get my few minimal tasks done each week and get me by and then do whatever the F else I wanna do with the rest of my day.

So…what is that “whatever the F else”?

Seriously, I wanna know.

Right now it’s waking up with the sun like I always do and welcoming my day with sweat. Then a meditation for as long or as short as I want. Then a coffee or a tea with my sweet.

… but then it’s only 11AM. And i’m stuck sitting and staring at my phone. Or at my computer. Seeking myself in the screens. In the tabs. In the posts. In the likes. In the ads.

Always avoiding this. Just this. This that I started 5 years ago, but oh-so many years before that.

What’s that? Giving words to the blank.

It’s what I do all the damn day anyway.

About heathencomehome

question marks & ellipses
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