#1

I’m starting to blog.  Why?  Well, because I am writing more.  And it is cheaper to do this than to buy more and more journals.  Also, I’m random.  And this is random.

It is also completely out of my comfort zone and something I thought I would never (and could never) do.

So, here I am doing it.  I am writing to no one (and everyone).

This is my release.  Perhaps.  Maybe.  Who knows.  I just felt like putting a little bit (or a lot bit) of me out there.

I like to use ellipses and parentheses.  I also like to to ask rhetorical questions.

Recently, I have discovered that 99.9% of my decisions are made based on my fears of being lazy, being fat, and being stupid.  I am haunted by these fears.  The hauntings seem to be much more acute recently.  I am taking this as a sign of some major change about to occur.  It has.  It will.  It is.

I  like black and white.  I do NOT like gray area.  I like it in others, but not in myself.  I almost do not accept it in myself.  It is out-of-control and although I love randomosity, I do not like it when I am not in control.

Why do I feel like I am writing this to someone or explaining myself to someone?

This is not like how I usually journal.  But, it is not handwritten either.  I prefer handwritten ideas and musings and brainstorms.  Typing makes me feel like it is a final draft…perfected and nearly ready to be graded.

I miss being graded.  The first 1/4 of our lives is graded.  I got good grades.  I was good at it.  I measured up well.  I am now struggling outside of that context.